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Help with Bi-polar Spouse

I am looking for spouses of bi-polar individuals, or those with bi-polar, that can offer any assistance.

Here is my situation:

Wife diagnosed with Bi-polar 2 years ago She is on meds but I don't know if she is really taking them, assuming so as I see her take some kind of medication She never sees her counselor I have to constantly mention for her to make appointments She hasn't seen her Psychiatrist in about 2 years, he passed her off to a Nurse Practitioner after initial consult Her behavior is making it hard to make it through the day, and driving a wedge between us

To couple this she may also have Borderline Personality Disorder, I don't know if this is the case as she really never goes to counseling.

I am to the point where I need to get out of this situation, but it is more difficult than just getting a divorce, we have been married for 10 years and we have 3 children together. I am still in love with her, probably more so than when I first married her. But she has put me on the back burner and never really talks to me, she would rather go out with her work friends till all hours of the night. We have tried Marriage Counseling, but that never worked. We both have issues that need to be worked on, but I find it difficult to address my items when the big one is always being angry at her for her behavior, when she refuses to, or can't, change her behavior. I have found myself sliding deeper and deeper in to depression and there are many days I just don't want to go on, as I am very wiped out from being the father of 3, feels like 4, being the primary bread winner, working towards my Masters degree, training in my Martial Arts, this is the only thing keeping me sane, and being the housekeeper, as she won't or can't, doing all the chores around the house. She has made dome very bad decisions that have caused me to not be able to trust her, I am afraid that she has had or is having an affair, she tells me she isn't but with things that she has done in the past that is difficult to believe. She can't manage her money, so I had to cut off her access to our accounts, she kept overspending or not telling me when she spent money which cause any spending I did to overdraft us. So she has now taken her money and put it where I can't use it, and that is causing a financial hardship, but as she has told me my paycheck is the family money to pay for rent, bills, food and gas, while her paycheck is hers and she should get to spend it how she wants.

I am at the point of I don't know what to do, I love her and still want to be with her, but I can't take all the hardship that comes with this disorder, if she would help herself I think things would be easier. But she likes things the way they are right now, at least for her life. I am in counseling trying to work on my issues, but I don't think I can move beyond my anger as I am constantly angry at her actions. My depression is affecting everything except my work, thank god there. I know there may be deeper issues, I personally believe there are issues from her childhood that are unresolved and that might be contributing to the problem, but I don't know for sure. I say that knowing there are unresolved issues from my childhood I am trying to work through. If there is anyone out there who can offer any advice I greatly would appreciate the help.

AMP

Dear amp, wow it looks like she has put you in a very bad spot. I can understand why you may want to end the marriage. It doesnt sound like she wants help at all. She will never get better unless she starts seeing a pdoc and probably a tdoc. She really needs to be the one to take the first step. Taking meds. arent going to help her at all unless she gets help from dr.s. It sounds like your the one doing all the work in this relationship, and it sounds like she is totally out of control. Have you told her your feelings about possibly leaving her?? Maybe that would shock her into getting help. But if you do end up leaving, it sounds like you need to be the one taking care of the children. She is def. in no position to do it. I totally understand why your getting depressed. It may be time for you to see a tdoc. This could at least help you feel better and help you deal with the situation. A tdoc may be able to give you some advice on what to do.

I wish you the best of luck. God bless you.

Peace to you

Cookie

Thank you for the response, I am a little new to the acronyms, so bare with me. I have told her on many occasions that we are headed for the big D, but that doesn't seem to phase her. I am to the point where I am ready to go to a lawyer and see what my options are. Again there may be more to the story than just the bi-polar, if she really has Borderline Personality Disorder, then we are in for a whole new world of problems, as that has a lot to do with her ability to make changes in her life. As for her going to a pdoc, as I understand it, at least around here, she is under the care of a pdoc, but the majority of her care comes from a Psychriactric Nurse Pratitioner. And she says that she wants to get help but lots of talk and no action doesn't really help. As for doing all the work, yes, that is exactly what is going on, and has been for the majority of our 10 year marriage. And if she had been bi-polar for a while that might explain why she has never really felt, as she says, motivated to do anything. I have been trying to do what I can to keep my marriage together. As for getting myself help, I am seeing a therapist, and hopefully that will make my life easier. Only time will tell what will happen. All I can say is that I will continue to fight until there is no more fight left in me.

AMP

Oh I feel like I just read bits and pieces of my life.. My husband was diagnosed bi polar in June after finally having a breakdown, Although I suspect he has been this way for many years. He has not seen a therapist in months, will not take his meds on a consistent basis and has now decided he doesnt know if he wants to go back to work. With all the up and down , I feel like I am the one who is losing it now. We will be married 10 years in Feb. We have two kids which makes it even harder, because I see it affecting them more and more. I love my husband very much and want to stay married but I feel like I am the only one wanting him to get better, he makes no effort in our family or in his own life. You start to wonder whats the point anymore.

It is funny how things like this happen, I never thought that I would meet someone whos life would match mine so closely. I like you think that this has been a problem for many more years than we have known about. And my wife too hasn't seen her therapist in over month, I think she is taking her meds, but I don't know for sure, and if she is I seriously doubt they are working, though is seems like none of the medicaions she has tried has had any noticable affect, though she has said that she has noticed a difference in her desire to be active. I understand just how you feel about loosing it, i have felt that way for a long time. Unlike your husband, my wife seems to be drawn to work, that is where, as it seems, she is the most like herself, or at least not a unwilling to do things. With the kids, all you can do is try to explain what is going on in term they can understand, it will not be easy for them to understand, I know mine really don't, and they are 10, 8, and 4, the youngest doesn't understand at all, but you can tell he gets that something is wrong. I feel the same about feeling like I am the only one wanting her to get better. Hopefully for you when your husband starts to get help and he notices the differences he will come around. My advice to you is keep an eye on everything, money especially, that is the easist place and, in my experiance, the first place things start to show problems. I wish you the best of luck, I am looking to possibly find a support group, though I am not sure if I will have time, you should look in to it as well. If bi-polar support groups are any like AA or GA, they should welcome family members even if they aren't with the ones with the problems.

AMP

Dear AMP,

My sympathy for what you are going through. No one dare give advice whether or not to divorce; that is for sure something that you will have to decide very carefully, keeping in mind the needs of your children and your own peace. Marriage is not usually a 50 - 50 enterprise, sometimes it is a 100 - 0 venture with only one spouse who's making the effort. That's when the vows of "for better or worse" come in. However, one can only do the 100% effort (or even 75%) for a limited time before wearing out.

When children are involved, their well-being is imperative. Staying in a toxic environment where there is constant tension and mom & dad are mad at each other constantly is very damaging. My children have told me that they didn't know why I didn't divorce their dad sooner, though one gets along with her dad now (she's 27) and the other would like to make amends if only his dad would try harder (he's 31). But I can only speak from my experience and I can tell you that it was hellacious, and I can imagine what you are going through.

If you have tried marriage counseling and have tried to communicate better and nothing has changed, then you have to do what you have to do. There are less drastic steps than divorce until you are sure that that is what has to happen, but again, sometimes the infection in a festering wound must be cut out in order for it to heal.

In my own case, I only wish that I had learned to be more assertive and to communicate how I really felt without casting blame (such as saying, "I feel really devastated when you go out so much at night and I am here alone with the kids and I miss you so much because I still love you," instead of saying, "You are selfish by going out with your friends and leaving me alone here, you b..." (you get the drift). There are things in our marriage that I still miss and I think we might have made it had I communicated better and stood up for myself. But the past can be so bittersweet, can't it?

What it comes down to is, do you still love her enough to say, "I love you and I love our children and I love myself so much that I am going to do what it takes to heal. It is your choice whether or not you want this family to stay together or not." Because it sounds like the ball is in her court now. You have to do what you have to do to hold on to whatever peace you still have, again, keeping the needs of the children in mind.

Anyway, I gave you advice without meaning to and it is from my own experience, not yours. I was married for 16 years, divorced my husband in 1992, inflicted my own emotional baggage on my then young teenagers, and have been remarried since 1999 with a man who carries his own baggage and yet is much easier to live with, though there are still major challenges and I still love my first husband (though I couldn't live with him and not become unglued!)

The only One Who has kept me alive has been God. He rescued me again and again when I was way past coping with the turmoil. The troubles didn't end when I divorced, but at least I know Who never has let me down and is ever Faithful and Who keeps His Word to always be there for me.

May He be with you and give you wisdom and peace in how best to deal with this very difficult situation. I can only, after giving you "advice," say a prayer for you, your children, and your wife. The rest is up to you and your wife. It takes two to make a marriage. Some people can manage giving nearly 100% in a marriage because their spouse has done the same in the past for them.

God bless you and keep you, AMP.

Deb

Deb,

First let me say thank you for the advice you did give. I have never looked at my situation lightly. I only want what is best for my family. Second, I too know the power of God, I have been through so much in my life, enough to fill a good sized book, most of which would have dropped a normal man to his knees and made them give up. But yet somehow I have survived and I am still standing today. Thinking of my life I am reminded of the story of Job, while I am not trying to say that I am as devout a man, or that my problems are as bad, I feel like my life has been one of suffering, of trials an tribulations. But as the saying goes, "That which does not kill me, only makes me stronger". This is how I try to live my life, and in most aspects I live this motto, why just 6 years ago, at the age of 23 I suffered from a heart attack, one that by all accounts an purposes should have killed me, but yet I am still here. I have always said it will take Satan himself to come and drage me throught the Gates of Hell before I wll go. But I will put of the fight of my life before that happens.

I understand that marriage is nevery truely a 50-50 relationship, it can never be, somedays you will not be able to pull your 50%, and that is where having a spouse who is just a committed to the marriage as you are is key. But I feel like I have been pulling 100% for the better part of our 10 year marriage, if I only had the time to tell all I have done. I have not pulled 100% everyday for 10 years, but a major portion of it I have. And that can tire a peron out, especially when their partners attutide is that they shouldn't be exected to anything other than what they do when they choose to do it.

My children are the most important thing in the world to me, even more than my own life, which I would galdly give if I had to. I know that a divorce won't solve all my problems, quite the opposit, it will only compoud my problems.

I fight every day, and that is part of my problems, to keep my marriage together. But at the end of the say I lay in my bed, alone, because nothing has worked my wife out of her funk. I am not to the point of saying "I feel ..." to her about what is going on. I do place blame and criticize when she that which she know sh shouldn't do. But I am the type of person that believes that blame should be put squarely where it belongs, and if that means I have to say it then so be it. Does this make it right probably not, but I blame myself when I do wrong, I point out when my kids do something wrong, so why do I have to hold my wife to a different standard. I ask nothing less then the same in return.

As for how much I love here, I can't express this. But I don't know if that love is enough, especially when I feel like I am the one providing the love for both of us. When you give and don't get in return, what can one do. I want my family to say together, I am the child who has lost one parent to cancer, and a step-parent to divorce, so I know of what I speak when I say that that is not they type of family I wanted to ever have. But when do I say enough is enough, for me it is the point where she stops trying to get herself the help she needs.

Trust me I don't take anything I am thinking lightly. If there is one thing I have learned in my life its that with every decision comes consiquences, some good some bad, most I have experianced have been bad. So take with a heavy heart what may be to come.

AMP

You really need to know whether she is bipolar, borderline or both. Bipolar is a physical genetic lifetime illness that requires medication. Borderline is a psychological disorder that is treated best with therapy and will be outgrown by 40 or so. Some people with bad genes and bad childchoods have both.

Bipolars have episodes that last a week to several weeks of unbroken mood unrelated to whatever is going on in life. They will continue in that mode and nothing phases them. Borderlines change their moods every 30 seconds. You must find out which you are dealing with as they are so different but look very much the same.

Bipolars need medication to fix malfunctioning neurtransmitors. Borderlines have to be talked out of their rage and shame. Depressed Bipolars will ask for help. Borderlines will blame everyone else but beg you not to leave.

For both, they lose they self-awareness and beleive their own distortions. It may sound mean but the beat thing to do is withdrawl support and bring them to their bottom as fat as possible halping them only if they get into a treatment program and stay with it. For a bipolar you will see result in 21 days. Borderlins take longer but can be cured. Remove support. Go and make an appoitnment with a family attorney/therapist yourself. learn what you can and hope your wife bottoms out and you get back the person you fell in love with. Joye

Joye,

Thank you, your definitions are some of the most undstandable I have seen to date. The problem is that my wife seems to have some of both in this instance. Some mood swings will last a short period of time, like minutes, other times it is days even weeks. But as I have said to her, I don't think any of the medication she has taken thus far has had any effect. I know that there are some deeper undlying problems from her childhood, I know because I have some very deep underlying issues that I am trying to work through and I see some of the same issues with her. She does blame me, though she will tell me that she takes the blame with she talks to her friends. But if what I have seen, she only tells them half-truths of her responsibility so as to make the blame fall more on my head. I understand that in every marriage there are two people and that each is responsible for the problems in the marriage, either by doing something or how they react to the actions of the other. And I am ready willing and able to accept my responsibility but I refuse to take all the blame. I have gotten to the point where I am willing to let her hit bottom, I am steping back and saying if you want to ruin your life then be my guest, but I refuse to allow you to take me down with you. All I can hope for is that it will be enough for her to see what she is about to loose.

AMP

Where to begin? Your wife sounds EXACTLY like me. The money issues, not helping out around the house, staying out until all hours with friends, the possible affair (in my case I did and still am having one), everything you have said about her was and at times still is me. I was treated for many years for depression with no results, and was finally diagnosed bipolar a year ago.

The main thing I want to say to you is that you are a wonderful man for doing all that you do...being the breadwinner in the family along with doing all the housework, handling all the finances, what sounds like doing all the parenting yourself (and yes you pretty much are parenting her too), and being willing to do what you can to save your marriage after all she has and still does put you through. To still love her through all this, possibly even more than when you were first married, is just amazing. She is lucky to have you and she obviously does not realize that.

I agree with Joye's final paragraph...withdraw support from her and let her hit bottom. That's what my family, most of all my husband, did to me. It was just the kick in the butt that I needed to get on the ball and get a grip on things. I hated him for it at first, so be warned that she may treat you even more horribly than she already does. But as time went on and I started getting myself straightened out and finally found a med combo that works for me (she may not be on the proper meds for her either), I came to my senses and actually appreciated him for standing up to me and refusing to "parent" me and do everything for me and stand up for me all the time. I'm still far from the model wife and mother, but I certainly put forth much more effort to being a wife and mother than I did even just a year ago.

There's a book (I'm surprised Joye didn't mention this) called Bipolar Disorder for Dummies that would be a good read for both your wife and yourself. I understand that she may be unwilling to read it, but maybe if you go ahead and get it and read it yourself she'll eventually get the hint. It will give you tips on how to cope with her behavior and how to help your children understand this, and if she does read it, there are a lot of things in there that will hopefully get her thinking. I was reluctant at first but once I started reading it I read the whole thing in two days. A lot of the things I read made me realize what I was doing to my family and also myself, and it made me for once think ahead and realize what my life may turn into if I continued my behavior.

It's great that you're in therapy yourself...hopefully she comes to her senses and gets into it herself.

This message board is a great place to come for support. Feel free to post here any time. Also if bipolar support groups in your area the way they are in mine, family is MORE than welcome to attend.

Best of luck to you.

Wendy Jo,

Thank you for your comments, it is always a help to hear from someone who has been there, though you are from the other side of the coin than I am, your insights are a tremendous help. I will look for that book, I am always looking for as much information as I can get. And it is funny that you say that you were treated for years for depression with no success, as my wife was the same way.

I do my best to try to keep my family together, there are no words that I can express that even come close to how much I love my wife, for she accepted me as I was and was not afraid to stand up for me when her family talked bad about me, just becasue they didn't like that I stood up for myself and didn't let them run all over me. She gave me three wonderful children who mean the world to me. But that can't make up for how she treats me now, I have been fighting and fighting but how do you win a battle when you don't know who the enemy is and where they are comming from. This is really how I feel right now.

I have slipped so far into depression myself, for the first time in my life, that some days I cry because I wake up in the morning. I use to love getting up in the morning and going to work, I love my job, I feel I have the best job in the world. I do martial arts and that was my stress relief and was the most enjoyable thing I looked forward to every week, but now I don't even get any joy from that. I will never take my own life, as I feel that is the cowards way out, but there are some days I pray for death because I just don't want to continue with this path any more.

WIth her meds, I don't know what to do. She switches meds faster than I have ever seen anyone do. She finds one and says that she thinks it is working, but I never see any change in her behavior, and then she will switch to something else. There have been so may meds I can't even remember the names of all of them. But the big area is her therapy, she says that she understands that she needs to go but she won't make an appointment. She missed an entire year because I was attending her counseling sessions once in a while as a couples therapy on coping with her issues. But I got tired of the counselor always looking at me and blaming me for all the probems we were experiancing. So I stopped going, told my wife that I refused to see that counselor again, I even told the counselor that I didn't appreciate her methods, to which she claimed to not know what I was talking about.

When ever we talk my wife will blame me for the problems in our marriage, but when asked she says that I have done stuff and thing, and never gives any hard answers. She ignores me, and when I come home I will go to a different room in the house to watch TV, but she says that I am the one not trying to talk to her, I say I have tried enough, if she really wants to communicate with me she will take the next step. It seems that no matter what I do, I am somehow in the wrong for what is happening. So I say enough is enough.

I have looked in to a local support group, I e-mailed someone and was told when and where the next meeting will be, so if my schedule will allow I am siriuosly thinking of going, even if she won't. I know it will be difficult given all her problems, but she has no desire to make any changes in her life, or she may be incapable depending on what other problems she may have. All I can try to do is get myself the help I need in understanding why thing are the way they are. That might not change what I do about it, and divorce might just be the only way I have to finally feel llike I can move on, but that won't be any easier than what I am experianceing right now. My only hope is that she snaps out of what ever is wrong and makes the choice to get help. I have told her is she really cares as much as she claims then she will fight for her marriage, and that will require getting help.

AMP

Dear AMP,

So much good advice has been given already that I can only second much of what was said. My husband was diagnosed bipolar over 10 years ago, and I can identify with much of what you are going through. It is true that she needs to realize herself that she needs help. It may be that you need to give her an ultimatum such as if she won't get help and stay in treatment, you will need to think about your safety and that of the children first. I had to do this with my spouse because at first he was going off meds when he felt better and was taking the same attitudes towards money, work, etc. as your wife is. Just be prepared to follow through with it because she may call your bluff. This may be the shock to her system that will cause her to realize she needs to stay in treatment, take her meds, and keep appointments. If this happens and you come back together, don't push yourself on her, but let her know you will stick with her "in sickness and in health" and that you want to help her keep up with her meds and appointments. That will help you have more of a feeling of control (which I know right now you feel like you have no control over much of anything), and it will help keep her accountable. There is a famous saying: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn't, it was never yours in the first place." I had no peace with our situation until I gave it up to God. I realized that I had no control, but He does. If my marriage was to stay together, I was to do all I could to keep it together and trust Him for the rest.

The fact that she has "put you on the back burner" is something my husband seemed to do. It may be that the best thing you can do right now is give her some space and focus on yourself and the children for a while. Keep as regular a routine for yourself and them as possible. If they have questions, explain that Mom is sick and that makes her act and talk the way she does. The chemical imbalance can make her "reality" different. I had to pray that I receive a heart of compassion for my husband and eventually I was able to realize that he was going through some very difficult, very scary things that he couldn't understand. Her apathy can be part of the illness. Remember that bipolar is a mood disorder, which means her moods, feelings, and thoughts may be out of the norm, but seem perfectly normal to her. A great book for you (and her) is "Bipolar for Dummies." It explains the illness in easy-to-understand terms and is a great primer for those new to the disorder. NAMI also sponsors a "Family to Family" 12-week course for family members. It is free and quite comprehensive. I have a huge 3-ring binder of info from the one I took. Contact NAMI to see if one is in your area.

Don't forget to take care of yourself during all this. If you feel like you are very depressed/anxious, don't be ashamed to go to your GP (at least) for some antidepressants. I take 75 mg of Effexor myself. Get some family/friends around you for support, talk things out with a therapist or clergy, rely on your faith (Psalms is a great source of comfort). One good thing that came out of this was my faith increased.

Try not to let your wife draw you into an argument. Stay calm and speak in loving, even tones. If she gets violent, take the kids, leave, and call 911. Tell the responders about her condition and have her taken to the hospital. Get a weekly med minder for her meds, fill them for her if necessary, and help her keep up with them. Try to ignore any hurtful remarks, and do your best to forgive. I try to tell people that forgiveness is a conscious choice where you release the offender from the offense and not bring it up again. It is not easy to do, but it can be done.

(Continued on next post)

(Sorry this is so long, but I could write a book about just our own experience)

You mentioned that she did or may have had an affair. Please remember that a bipolar, when manic, tends to do things he/she wouldn't normally do. This includes spending lots of money, hypersexuality, and drug/alcohol abuse. As difficult as it may be to accept, this behavior is part of the manic phase of the illness, and if she is not medicated or not properly medicated, she may still have these behaviors. Some bipolars also use lying and/or manipulation as coping mechanisms. All of this is part of the disorder, and not how she would normally act. That is hard to keep in mind sometimes, but it is true.

I can't promise that all will work out like you want. It may end up going south on you, but if it does, at least you went down "fighting." You can only control your own actions and your own reactions to others. You can't control her actions or reactions. As long as you can go to bed with a clean conscience and know you are doing all you can to keep things as "situation normal" as possible, you are doing what you need to do. Remember that nothing catches God by surprise. He knows what you are going through, He knows how it will end, and He will grow you through it in some way. Even things that begin as bad can end as good. I am reminded of two Bible quotes (can't recall the Scripture reference at the moment) but one refers to "things that Satan meant for evil, God turns around for good" and "God works all things together for good for them who are the called according to His purpose." Find these and many of His other promises in the Bible, and read them daily.

Please feel free to post here when you have questions or if you need to just vent. I usually try to check this board daily and I try to help others like you who are going through the same things I did with my husband. Be patient, forgiving, understand that this is scary for her too (though she may not show it). It is a physical disorder like diabetes in that there is a chemical imbalance that requires meds. It is the chemical imbalance that affects her moods and can even cause her to hallucinate if she gets so manic that she becomes psychotic. Try to stay calm, answer your childrens' questions as best you can, take it one day at a time. Let her hit rock bottom if necessary, but be there to help her back up. Love is more about commitment than that "gooshy" feeling you had at first. I'm sure you know this.

I think I have covered all the bases. If you have other questions, I will be glad to try to answer them. If you need some spiritual encouragement, I wll try to help you there, too. Just remember to put "Religion, trigger" or something similar in the subject line of your post. My faith is the biggest part of my life and is the one thing that got me through the worst of our experience. I'm happy to help in any way that I can.

DeSand, first thank you for your response. I too hope to one day be posting about my experiances and how I was able to work through them. I am finding fight now that it is difficult to get through each day constantly thinking about what is going on in my life. At this point I am ready to "pull the trigger" on getting a divorce, but that is far from what I want, but one has to do what they have to do. Not being in control isn't something I concern myself with, though my wife would say that is far from the truth.

I got the "Bipolar Disorder for Dummies" book last night, I haven't had an opportunity to get into it yet, but I look forward to reading it, hopefully I will have time to read. There are so very few hours in the day, with everything I have to do I don't usually have time to read. I have also checked out the Website for NAMI, there is a lot of information there it might take me a while to sift through it all, thank you for point it out to me.

As far as talking care of myself, well I do the best I can. I am trying to keep of taking another medication, I take far to many for my age as it is. Reason being is that a little more than 6 years ago I suffered a heart attack at the very young age of 23, now my life is ruled by medications, there is a pill for the and a pill for that, I can't keep track some days. So if I can help it I would love to not have to take any more pills. But I will leave that one for the doctors. I have many firends and family, though given my job I live a days drive away from most everyone I am close to. And currently I am seeing a therapist once a week to help me work on my personal issues, so only time will tell there.

Faith, there is something that is strong in my background, but has been very lacking as of late in my personal life. With everything I have going on it tends to get pushed back as a last option only. I am trying to work on that.

As far as arguments, that is a little difficult as one of my issues I am working on is Anger Management. Very difficult to do when the main reason I am so angry is dealing with my wifes garbage every hour of every day. I do my best to remain as calm as possible, but that rarely works, again I am working with a therapist here. Forgiveness there is a word I have never been able to wrap my head around, I don't know why but I have just never been able to just forgive anyone, maybe that will improve as I work on my faith.

I can't prove that she had an affair, I only suspect based on thing she has done that I became aware of after they happened. And maybe it is how I am this is an area I find it most dificult to over look. One reason is how can you know for sure that if is because of the manic phase of bipolar. If you allow for an excuse then that becomes an out every time it happens. It just becomes, at least in my opinion, how do you know you can trust someone who knows they have an excuse for everytime they do something they know they shouldn't be doing, but that is just me.

I have gone down fighting on many occasions so this wouldn't be any different. Again thank you for all you wrote it is a great peace to me to see that I am not the only person who is expreriancing this issues. Knowing how others worked through their issues will help me find a method of working throught my problems that will work for me.

AMP

apagano7

I DON"T KNOW WHAT MY ISSUE IS RIGHT NOW I WAS REWRITIN I MESSED-UP 2OfCOURSE I HATE COMPUTERS !SO SORRY! IT'S HARD FOR ME TO STOP TALKIN WELL WRITE......NOW NONE OF THIS IS HELPIN BUT I'LL REWRITE AGAIN THURS. 2MARROW NOT GETTIN OUT OF BED!! TODAY has been the worse day in 2weeks!! MY DAMN DR. MESSIN ME ALL UP!! BUT I can hopefully help you bein that I have !MAD! experince with this O.K. last thing check me out THURS. an I'll try to N-LITEN YOU, AND EVERYONE ELSE LIKE THE PERSON THAT TALKED BOUT HER HUBBY I lied this is the LAST THING NO JOKE BUT I'm actually HAPPY for you both NO D WORD!! KEEP GIVIN !LOVE!...*B*

Dear AMP, First of all, let me congratulate you on hanging in there and keeping it together for the family, even though Im sure some days you just might want to run away. Something helpful to keep in mind is THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT and it is not up to your to fix your wife. You can be her support, but she has to do the work. Childhood issues or not, you are grown adults responsible for raising three precious children, and they must come first in your decisions about what to do, or not to do. I know you love your wife, but tolerating her abusive behavior is enabling it to continue. Your money pays the bills and she gets to spend hers as she pleases? What kind of a marital team approach is that??? No wonder you are frustrated. I am divorved from my bi-polar husband, as he refused to stay on his meds, did horrible financial damage to us, and every time he was stable, declared he was "not taking any more of those pills, IM FINE NOW. Understanding the illness and the mood swings, which often can turn either suicidal or violent, is key to coping with the illness. Stability, rest, excersise, staying on meds, good nurtrtion all go a long way toward preventing further incidents. You must keep yourself healthy, your kids healthy, and talk to your wife about getting some help, and have a plan for what you will do to protect yourself and your children if she refuses. THen you have to stick to it, and follow through, up to and including having her removed from the home. I know this sounds terribly harsh, but sometimes is the only way to get somone to realize that YES they do have a problem, and NO, they cannot ignore it any longer, as it is damaging the people they are supposed to love. The extramarital sex, the binge spending, substance abuse, all of these things are the bp persons way of self medication, trying to do things that they hope will make them feel better. My ex had multiple girlfriends, spent weekends away, and became angry if questioned. I tried my best for 6 years to get him to help and keep him on track, but I had to come to understand that no matter how much you love someone, when they are ill, love cannot fix them. Medication and therapy can help, but its really up to the person themselves to take responsiblilty for their own life and actions. I dont know where my ex is now, I hope he is well, and did not succeed in taking his life, which was his main goal when depressed. I hope he is still taking his medications and taking care of himself and his illness. I love him dearly to this day, but could not live in fear and chaos with him. It's a terrible illness, and very hard to deal with, I was stabbed, chocked, beaten, had teeth knocked out, had to flee my home many times in fear, when he was "out of control with anger". I hope some of my bad experience is helpful to you, its a long road you are on, and there is a bright future, but only if she will get treatment and keep with it. Its not her fault either, its a brain chemical imbalance. I wish you both luck as you strive to make your family whole. Annie

Kudos for trying to find a way to make things work, even in the midst of all the chaos you are facing.

My fiance and I are both bipolar, so I kind of feel like I know what both ends feel like.

Many people who are bipolar don't want to take their medicine. The manic highs can feel great, wonderful, fabulous. It is in the midst of on of those where people commonly stop taking the meds. The problem is that we *need* those meds in order to live a stable life (well, I know I need mine anyway. )

Also, for myself and others that I know, our meds need changed from time to time because they stop working correctly. With a change in meds, she could get back to the great person you used to know.

I'll tell you what I would do in your situation, but I'm not sure it would be a popular option. I'd take my spouse down to the county mental health and have her evaluated. If there is any cause that she is a 5150 (danger to herself or others), they can hold her for 72 hours or more. That should give time for them to figure out what is going on with her and get her started on the right meds. My fiance and I have an agreement about that (which we made when we were both feeling ok). If one of us thinks the other one needs an immediate med evaluation, then we have the prior ok to take them in for the evaluation.

Good luck to you and your family.

Hello apagano, It sounds to me like maybe some joint counselling might be of help to you. I sympathize with you totally since you seem to be the one who is concerned and caring about your marriage and your family. Also it does not sound like your wife is quite getting the medical care she needs from the psyc nurse. Maybe a switch in Doctors would be of help. Also from what I read here you still have children at home, and I think they should be the first consideration, what is the best thing for them. I advocate holding the homefront together, but your wife needs to have the same focus as you have. I am glad you still love your wife, and I think there would still be issues if you separated since the children are involved. I don't think she should be going out until all hours at this point in her life with the children at home, at least not very often. It sounds like you have a really difficult road, your wife needs to stop the going out to to all hours I think or at least limit this kind of activity. Best of luck to you. glennda